Teaching The Yamis How To Use The Computer
by Dakota Ishtar
Summary: Can Seto Kaiba teach the yamis how to use a computer? Sequel is now up!
1. How To Turn On The Computer

**Epic Fail At Teaching The Yamis How To Turn On A Computer**

Witness Seto Kaiba trying to teach the Yamis how to properly use a computer. Today they will learn what a computer is, and how to turn it on.

Yami arrived at the Kaiba mansion for the "surprise" Yugi said Kaiba was going to give him. He rang the doorbell and shockingly Seto Kaiba himself opened the door. Yami must have been showing his shock very visibly because Kaiba said, "What is a man not allowed to open his door?" Yami still looking shocked walked in without invitation.

" Why did Yugi make me come here?" Before Kaiba could answer, the doorbell rang and on the other side was ... Bakura! Bakura also came in without being invited. Kaiba guessed that the Yamis were never taught manners. Both Bakura and Yami were shocked to see each other. So shocked in fact they did not notice when Yami Marik **(We will call him Malik) **came into the room.

" BOYS! There will be no fighting in my house. If either of you do, you will wear a dog suit the rest of the day." This got Yami and Bakura to stop glaring at each other long enough to see that Malik was here as well. Bakura immediately ran to his side.

" Why hello Malik! Did you happen to bring your Rod?"

"No. Marik took it so he could get really good seats at the restaurant on his date with Dakota." Bakura was disgusted and turned towards Kaiba.

" Okay Kaiba. Why are we here?"

"Marik, Ryou, and Yugi have all decided that you need to learn more about this age. They told me to teach you about computers." All of them were confused.

"Computers?"

" A computer is an electronic device designed to accept data, perform prescribed mathematical and logical operations at high speed, and display the result of these operations."

"OOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

" Now that you know what a computer is, I'm going to teach you how to turn on a computer." Kaiba led them to a room filled with the most high tech computers you could ever see, and sat them down next to a computer. He then sat down at his own.

" To turn on a computer you press the circle with a line through it. I hope that is easy enough to understand." Malik began searching for the button, and when he could not find it he began to kick and punch the device. Bakura also began searching for the button, when he couldn't find it he took out his hidden sword and began stabbing and slashing the poor computer. Yami took a completly different approach then the others. He began talking to the computer and when the computer did not talk back he screamed bloody murder. This got Kaiba's attention and when he turned around Malik's computer was dented, Bakura's was emitting sparks and smoke, and Yami's computer was fine.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO! MY PRECIOUS COMPUTER! WHY!" 

**(A/N) What do you think? Should I continue? Any constructive criticism? Anything good? Reviews?**


	2. How To Use A Mouse

**Epic Fail At Teaching The Yamis To Use A Mouse **

Watch Seto Kaiba Teach the yamis how to use a computer. Today he will teach them how to use the mouse.

"Now that you can successfully turn on your computer without damaging it or screaming, I am going to teach you how to use your mouse and your keyboard." Seto began looking around for a mouse that was not hooked up to the computer.

Yami did not know the difference between a real mouse and computer mouse " WE ARE USING REAL A REAL LIVE MOUSE WITH THE COMPUTER?'' Malik who would eat living organisms if we allowed him to was very curious.

" Do we get to eat the mice?" Bakura is the most technologically advanced out of all the yamis .

"Is it wireless?" Yami and Malik did not know why Bakura asked that as everyone knows that mice have tails not wires. Seto finally found a mouse and showed the yamis.

"This is a mouse. It is not living. You are not allowed to eat it. It will not be wireless because I do not want it thrown at the computers." Seto plugged a mouse into each yamis' computer's usb port.

"The mouse moves this little arrow across the screen. You move the mouse right to move it right, left to move it left, up to move it up, and down to move it down. Now try it by yourselves. Try not to break anything." Thinking they could handle something this simple he walked out of the room. How wrong he was.

Right away Malik somehow cracked the mouse in half. He got mad and ate the mouse. Now you must be thinking that it would choke him but being Malik he somehow was perfectly fine. Yami would not touch the mouse at all because he secretly thought it was real. Bakura succeeded in moving the cursor around and did not know what to do. So, he did exactly what Seto did not want them to do and threw the mouse at the computer screen. He however forgot to unplug it so the whole computer went flying. A loud CRASH rang through the house causing Kaiba to run back into the room and scream.

" MALIK! HOW CAN YOU EAT THAT MOUSE? I TOLD YOU IT IS NOT REAL! HOW DID YOU NOT CHOKE?" Malik just shrugged and went back to chewing on the cord tail thing.

"YAMI! YOU DIDN'T EVEN TOUCH THE MOUSE! THAT WAS THE WHOLE POINT OF THE LESSON!" Yami crawled into the corner at this point and was mumbling something about a live mouse and lost hand. Seto unfortunately made the mistake of looking at Marik's computer, because of this he nearly passed out.

"BAKURA! I THOUGHT YOU KNEW BETTER! I _TOLD _YOU NOT TO THROW THE MOUSE AT THE COMPUTER! BUT YOU DID NOT LISTEN! LOOK WHERE IT GOT YOU!" Bakura thought Kaiba's rage was funny and fell on the floor laughing his butt off. Kaiba did not think it was so funny.

**(A/N) Next chapter coming up soon. I'm leaving it a cliff hanger. I'm doing this so I can have a whole chapter for phone calls to the "parents." Reviews!**


	3. How To Call Home And Deliver Punishments

**The Calls Home**

" THAT IS IT! I AM CALLING YUGI, MARIK, AND RYOU AND GIVING THEM A "PROGRESS" REPORT FOR YOU GUYS!" This got the yamis to shut up. They were all hoping Kaiba was kidding. They were dead wrong however because Kaiba pulled his out his phone and walked away from the room to make his calls.

"Hello Yugi. This is Seto. I'm calling you to tell you what Yami has been doing."

"_Oh God! What did he do now?"_

" Well I have reason to believe he is mentally insane. He talked to the computer and screamed at it when it would not talk to him. He also thinks the mouse is a living creature that will bite his hand clean off."

_" HE THOUGHT WHAT? HE IS SO DEAD WHEN HE COMES HOME! YOU BETTER WARN HIM THAT IF HE STEPS ONE MORE TOE OUT OF LINE HE WILL BE HOMELESS AND UNABLE TO HAVE KIDS!" _ Yami heard this and was frightened for his life. He had never heard Yugi so angry. He decided to be very careful from now on. **( We all **_**know**_** that is **_**totally**_** gonna happen.) **Kaiba then began his next call.

"Hello Marik. This is Seto. I'm calling to tell you what Malik has been doing."

_"Holy Ra! If he makes me come over there he will have to pay for our meal."_

" Glad you're so confident he did something good. He violated a computer permanently damaging the motherboard and ate a computer mouse."

_"Is he choking? Please tell me he's choking! Oh, I got to go the food is here." _Malik heard this and was so offended that Marik would think that way. He would remember to see how Marik liked choking when he got home. Kaiba made his last call.

" Hello Ryou. This is Seto. I'm calling you to tell you what Bakura has been doing."

_"Oh No! Did he stab stuff cause I told him not to stab stuff?"_

" He has violence issues. He stabbed a computer with a sword making it emit sparks and smoke. He also destroyed a computer by throwing the mouse at the screen while it was still plugged in." There was a beep that signaled that Ryou had hung up. He must be coming over here to yell at Bakura. It's the end of their lesson time anyway, so they should all be coming here. There was a knock at the door , so he went to open it. There stood a very angry looking Marik, Dakota, Ryou, Serenity, Yugi and Tea. It looks like they were all on dates, and had been pulled here to punish the yamis. Dakota saw Malik ran in, and dragged him by his ear out to the car. Once they were out the door you could hear Dakota and Marik explode.

" MALIK ISHTAR! ARE YOU *BEEP*ING KIDDING ME? WHAT TYPE OF *BEEP* DID YOU TRY IN THERE?" At this point Marik drove away so we couldn't hear the yelling. This time it was Serenity's turn to drag out a yami. She pulled Bakura out by the ear and when they were in the car she stared attacking him. This time both Tea and Yugi pulled Yami out by his ears. However once they were two blocks away they kicked him out of the car. Malik's punishment was much more interesting. Dakota and Marik left Malik at the pound and told the lady he had a bad case of rabies. Ryou and Serenity just ignored Bakura for the whole night.

**(A/N) What do you guys think? I know this is a short chapter, but this is supposed to be like a mini chapter. It's one the story doesn't really need. Review!**


	4. How To Use A Keyboard

**How To Use A Keyboard And Learn The Alphabet**

Today the yamis start their second day of training. We all know that is going to go well. Epically with the new way Seto has decided to teach. We start where the yamis are all ready here.

Seto came marching in the room wearing camouflage and holding a gun.

"ATTENTION! WELCOME TO BOOT CAMP! YOU WILL CALL ME SARGENT KAIBA! IF ANY OF YOU MISBEHAVE," He shot the floor by each yamis' feet and they started screaming," THAT WILL HAPPEN! NOW WE WILL LEARN HOW TO TYPE ON THE KEYBOARD! YOU KNOW YOUR ALPHABET RIGHT?" The boys looked extremely confused.

"The what?" Kaiba got so mad he took out his machine gun and shot each letter into the ground!

"_That _is the alphabet!" The yamis now looked unconfused.

"Oh we know what that is. How else would we be able to write our ransom letters for kidnapping Mokuba." Seto shot at their feet for their pure stupidity. He somehow managed not to shoot their heads clean off.

" SINCE IT'S EASTER YOU WILL BE MAKING AN EMAIL TO YUGI, TEA, RYOU, SERENITY, MARIK, AND DAKOTA. I HAVE ALREADY SET UP EMAIL ACCOUNTS FOR YOU."

" YESSSSSSS! We finally get that email thing they were talking about. Now we can plan stuff instantly." Kaiba led them to their computers. The computers were opened to a new message and had the contacts name in them already. Malik finished quickly. His message read:

_Hello! Kaiba tells me today is that Easter day you humans celebrate. I heard you eat meat so I am ordering all of you to cook me some camel meat. Leave the fur still on it provides good nutrients._

_Love, _

_Malik Ishtar XD_

Bakura finished his message right after Malik's.

_Dear people who I wish to stab to death,_

_I heard it is Easter. Is Easter like Christmas? if it is GET ME SOME FRIGGING KNIVES! Ryou took mine and now Malik and I cannot hunt for the meat. _

_Love,_

_Bakura :p_

Yami was the last one to finish his message.

_Hi!_

_Whooooa_

_This is a spa downtown_

_Whooooa_

_Items are falling down_

_Spa Spa Spa Spa Spa _

_Spa Spa Spa Spa Spa_

_They are in a spa _

_They are in spa machines_

_Spa Spa Spa Spa Spa_

_Spa Spa Spa Spa Spa_

_They are in a spa_

_And now their hair is green_

_I'm in a mirror _

_And I'm in a bath_

_The main characters_

_They are making you laugh_

_And now we cut _

_BYE!_

*Meanwhile at Marik's home with the whole gang*

" DON'T GIVE HIM CAMEL MEAT!"

" NO BUTING BAKURA KNIVES! HE'D KILL US ALL!"

"YAMI SHOULD GO TO A MENTAL HOSPITAL!"

**(A/N) Thanks for all the good compliments! Sorry I deleted my other story, I just couldn't find the way to get a really good chapter out of episode three. If you guys wanna give me some story ideas that would be great! I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh normal or abridged. That goes for the whole story. Reviews!**


	5. The end! Or is it?

**(A/N) This is the last chapter! I have the sequel up so you guys should read that if you enjoyed this! Anyway enjoy!**

The yamis had come far, but not Seto Kaiba far. Yami couldn't type without putting the word 'spa' in every sentence. Bakura got angry easily and tended to take his anger out and the computer. And Malik well ... we _don't_ want to talk about that! Today was their last day! He could finally relax after this. He no longer had to lock every computer in place so Bakura wouldn't steal it! They just had to pass his test!

" To get out of here you must type a _**normal**_ email. That means **no** spa, **no** knifes, and **no** camel meat! Now go!"

It took two hours but they finally typed what they thought was a normal email. All that happened in between was the noise of _TYPE TYPE TYPE_! Seto looked over each email.

_Dear Priest thing,_

_I HATE YOU AND YOUR CLASSES! SPA! SPA! SPA! SPA! SPA! CAMEL MEAT! KNIFE!_

_Yami!_

That ne was a definite fail.

_I'M GONNA KILL YOU BY USING MY KNIFE! I'M GOING TO GO SHARPEN IT RIGHT NOW!_

_Bakura!_

Mentally insane. He was going mentally insane. Just one more left.

_Seto,_

_!#$%^&*()!$#%$%^*&^&&^%$#!#$%^&*()*&^%$##$%^&*&^%$#!#$%^&*(&^%$##$%^&*(*&^%$#!#$$%#%#%YT%&^&*&((*&&^%$#!#$%^&*&*^%$#$%^&*(&^%$%^&*()*&^%$#%^&*(&^%$%^&*^%$^&*^%_

*We are sorry to end this but Seto Kaiba has passed out and since we don't trust those three that is the end of this story, or is it?*


End file.
